10 Things I Wish I Could Tell my 5-Year-Old Self

ImageIs anyone else tired of all the lists of advice like “Things I Wish I Had Known at 25”  and “10 Things I Wish I Could Tell My 22 Year-Old Self” that have been popping up everywhere? I mean, I think we all know by now that bad people should be avoided, getting drunk and throwing up on a dirty New York City sidewalk is a terrible idea, and passion is the most important factor when exploring careers. So why do they keep appearing?? Well, since I can’t make them go away, and I can’t make myself unsubscribe to the otherwise interesting sites that post them, here is my own list of things I wish I had known.

10 Things I Wish I Could Tell My 5 Year-Old Self

  1. Poop and chocolate are both brown. But only one of them is for eating.

  2. Get up off the Toys’R’Us floor, stop yelling and crying, and slowly place Hungry, Hungry Hippos back on the shelf.  Your mother is wishing she could disappear into the floor now, and the less time you spend throwing a tantrum now,  the less time you will hear her screaming in the car.

  3. It’s actually not okay for your boyfriend to hold both your hand and another girl’s hand during story time. That’s called a threesome and you’re not quite ready for that yet.

  4. Your aunt doesn’t want to play Barbies with you while she’s on the toilet. And stop barging in there. Just because she forgot to lock the door doesn’t mean she wants you to come in.

  5. There is no shame in being known as the kid who must get vegetables at lunch time (or her mother will write another long-winded note to the principal about keeping America’s kids healthy). Even when the lunch lady screams “Yo Greta! Where the green beans? The green bean girl is on the lunch line!” Because those green beans were damn good.

  6. Sitting behind the fat boy in class during math session doesn’t make you invisible. You’ll still be called up to do addition on the chalkboard.

  7. Trust me, everyone in the audience saw you pick your nose onstage during the annual Christmas play.

  8. Stop telling people about your invisible friends. That’s why your mother takes you to therapy twice a month.

  9. Your babysitter doesn’t appreciate being drawn on while she’s napping.

  10. Worms don’t taste as good as they look.
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One thought on “10 Things I Wish I Could Tell my 5-Year-Old Self

  1. Pingback: Last Post Ever | Interesting Things

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